MonsterPerfect Good idea lost in the noise

ShangLuda Admirable film.

Nessieldwi Very interesting film. Was caught on the premise when seeing the trailer but unsure as to what the outcome would be for the showing. As it turns out, it was a very good film.

Robert Joyner The plot isn't so bad, but the pace of storytelling is too slow which makes people bored. Certain moments are so obvious and unnecessary for the main plot. I would've fast-forwarded those moments if it was an online streaming. The ending looks like implying a sequel, not sure if this movie will get one

Woodyanders A simply hideous and allegedly cutesy'n'campy tongue-in-cheek horror spoof with a numbingly cheesy heavy metal rock music gimmick. A pathetic hair band called Holy Moses agrees to perform a gig in a nowheresville Northern California hamlet. Unbeknownst to the band, there's a strange family of murderous freaks in the immediate area led by a still alive Adolph Hitler (depicted here as a fat, lecherous old goat who makes love to Eva Braun while his deformed dwarf grand children watch). The band gets killed by the freaks, but come back as vengeful zombies. The band proceeds to butcher the family, only to have them return from the dead as zombies as well. The freaky family naturally attack the surrounding uptight square townspeople. Next thing you know zombies are everywhere. They engage in all kinds of broad, ridiculous, groan-inducing stupidity: a midget zombie tries to eat a cow, a little old lady zombie who also transforms into a werewolf (!?) hobbles about in her wheelchair, another midget zombie hitchhikes on the side of the road, the band performs a snazzy goth-rock number for a talent agent, and the jerky townies decide to sacrifice a local virgin to the teeming zombie horde.Sound good? Well, it sure ain't man. For starters, the tiresomely arch and pseudo-hip comic tone affects a gratingly smug and off-putting forced sense of wannabe funky-cool posturing. The gormless, sophomoric humor resorts to demeaning racial stereotypes and dopey pun-ridden dialogue ("She's a fine mama") in its pitiful attempts at eliciting cheap laughs from the audience. Krishna Shah's limp (mis)direction, working from a terribly asinine script written by Shah and David Ball, fails to inject any wit, style or vigor into the idiotic goings-on. Tom Richmond's flat cinematography falls back on dreadfully dated mid-80's MTV rock video visual clichés: madly darting to and fro pans, tilted camera angles, gauzy backlighting, and the ubiquitous curling swirl of hazy smoke billowing in the background. The hopelessly lame head-bangin' music is sheer torture on the ears. The colorless acting, an excruciatingly lethargic pace, John Carl Buechler's crummy make-up f/x, the mild gore, the uniformly obnoxious and unlikable characters, and a general air of total creative impoverishment further sink this clunker like an 80-pound boulder. The absolute dregs.

Spent Bullets Ah, eighties music. When it was good, it was good; and when it was forgettable, it lives on only in artifacts such as this movie. Rock and roll zombies, midget Nazi rednecks, a grandma who turns into a werewolf, a nearly mute young girl with Groucho Marx's eyebrows, and Adolph Hitler himself—how can you go wrong with a lineup like that? Very easily! All in all, a bland movie. You can obviously see how the filmmakers were trying to keep themselves interested, with limited results: The Hitler scene (I honestly thought the movie would get better after that); Hitchhiker Girl's repeated interpretive dance sequences; even the deformed dwarf slowly eating his entire body (in the last scene, he's nothing but a head -- and then he sucks his face into his mouth and chews, leaving only a skull). Despite all that, you could almost hear the director yawning. Or maybe that was me.

MooCowMo The tepid, dreadful zombie flick scrapes the bottom of the barrel, in a way that is truly insulting to barrels. Every possible cliché is driven home with all the subtlety of a steam hammer; every aspect of professional production is gleefully shredded by the intense non-talent in this film. BUT... You simply have to see it. A mess beyond all messes.Oh, and stink-fans, your boy Sam Mann, from the equally-wretched "Roller Blade", is in this too (as the 'drummer'). In fact, our boy Mann was in several Donald G. Jaclson stinkers, moostly of the Roller Blade variety. Now he's in this pile of cow pooo too - isn't life sweet???;=8)

DevilPaul I had the pleasure of viewing yet another odd addition to the zombie horror genre: Hard Rock Zombies. Our movie starts out with some blond chick hitch-hiking on the highway who then gets picked up by 2 guys in a sports car, goes skinny dipping with them, and then kills them both while a man accompanied by 2 weird midgets (one of which is deformed) photographs the entire event. Then we are introduced to the main characters of our flick, a rock band, led by Jessie who is the bass player and lead singer. They're jamming at a gig and then head into a back room after the show to have some fun with the groupies. While in the back room, a strange girl named Cassie warns Jessie not to play their next gig in this town called Grand Guignol. When he asks for an explanation she doesn't give him one and leaves Jessie hanging. Problem is, they can't skip the next town because a big shot talent scout is going to be there to watch the show.So they go to Grand Guignol anyways even though they've been warned. On the way, Jessie is fumbling around with an ancient incantation he found while playing it over a rock bass line. They show up in the town, which is composed of stereotypical local yokel folks, and dance around. Yes, that's right - dance around. See, Hard Rock Zombies is also a musical and whenever the movie takes you into a musical number it's shot like a music video. This is pretty hilarious since the music is standard cheese ball 80's stuff and the antics in the video are lame at best. Still, I'm laughing.Well, wouldn't you know, the same blond chick from the opening scene lives there and offers to put the band up in her mansion vice the local hotel. They accept since every one of the members wants to nail her except for Jessie who is falling for the odd Cassie girl. Unbeknownest to our heroes, Adolph Hitler, Eva Braun (who is also a werewolf), and the photographer with his 2 weird midgets also live in the mansion. The town is also not happy that they've arrived and quickly pass a measure to ban all rock and roll music at a town meeting. Jessie finds out that his incantation is effective for bringing the dead back to life after fooling around with it in his room. He then records it with his bass line and tells Cassie to play the tape at their graves should something tragic happen to him and the band.Sure enough, Adolph and his buddies kill the entire band in various ways including one scene that's an obvious tribute to Hitchcock's "Psycho". The heart broken Cassie laments at Jessie's grave and then plays the tape. Voila! Our heroes emerge from the grave, looking paler, and proceed to walk and dance around the town like robots. Yes, that's right, LIKE ROBOTS. The standard groaning, lumbering slowly, and arms straight out zombie gait does not apply here. Oh yeah, and this is set to another cool song with the accompanying music video. Groovy!Our heroes take revenge on their antagonizers and then play their gig to an audience of one: the talent scout. Another music video accompanies this bit and it's a sentimental ballad dedicated to Cassie. Things get crazier from there. More people come back from the dead and the deformed midget sits at the dinner table and decides to eat HIMSELF. The town residents go into a panic and devise humorous ways to defeat the zombies. Finally one person convinces the rest that they need a virgin to be ravished by the zombies at midnight on a full moon so that the zombies will slumber for 100 years. Guess who the virgin is?I won't give away the ending but the deformed midget does succeed in eating himself and Hitler's gas chamber makes an appearance. Hard Rock Zombies has gotten crap reviews on almost every site that I looked at. Well, I think that what these people were missing was that Hard Rock Zombies is not a movie to be taken seriously. This is strictly campy fun and I got quite a few laughs from it. Hard Rock Zombies succeeds as a horror based comedy, not by design, but only by serendipity.