heykateforever
***** SPOILER ALERT***** I don't even want to be here spending the time writing this review of this totally pretentious, totally Kristen Stewart centered movie. Whoever wrote that the art film crowd would love this movie was exactly right. I am amused that an "atmospheric" film like this is supposed to be so brilliant to them. It was thin on plot, we endured boring minutes dragging by of Stewart, hair all tousled, needing a shower, head down, wandering around different apartments in Paris and finally in Muskat. Supposedly looking for contact from her dead brother with whom she made a pact at some point in her life, to contact her if he died first. There is a completely useless scene that took up about 10 minutes (or at least it felt like 10 minutes) where she is at a doctor's office where he explains she has a congenital heart defect which, like the entire movie, might or might not kill her like it did her twin brother, Lewis. All of the scenes felt disjointed and Stewart's acting was horribly one dimensional. There are times when she is drawing pictures. Why? There are conversations that are stilted and lead nowhere. Why? But I think the worst part, for me, was how incredibly bad the supposed ghost scenes were. Her brother was a medium, so she claims she is, too. Really? Because I saw nothing convincing about that. There are glasses moving in the air and dropping and breaking, there are faucets turned on. There are random texts which she keeps answering and I kept thinking, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF! The most interesting part of the movie and why it got 2/10, was the murder of the woman for whom she was a personal shopper. This rich, high profile, fashion conscious woman hires this disheveled, obviously not into fashion at all, woman to be her personal shopper? I don't think so. I thought when Stewart found the body, that FINALLY, something was going to happen. Nope! We fast forward to her meeting Lewis' girlfriend in a restaurant and Stewart tells her they found the killer named Ingo (the rich woman's ex boyfriend, I think, but again, if there was a worthy moment in this movie I would look it up). Stewart has a boyfriend who is doing I.T. work in Muskat. We see him briefly two times. She ends up in a spartan apartment in Muskat and there, evidently, is confronted by the spirit. Stupid glass breaking again. Stupid knocks on a wall. Stupid questions she asks. And suddenly, with no warning, everything fades to white and credits come up. OK, I am an average person who watches Grey's Anatomy and loves British murder mysteries. They have a beginning, a middle and an ending. This movie? Stewart sleep walks through the role and I defy ANYBODY to take issue with that. Her brother's girlfriend had two Labrador Retrievers that were more interesting than Stewart! If you go to art galleries and love to fake interest in modern art, you will probably love this movie. If you love Kristen Stewart, trust me, you get her every single boring minute in this movie. You will love this. If you are an average person who works, raises or raised a family, who isn't rich or pretentious because there isn't time for that nonsense, you will waste precious moments better spent with family, or even your dog or cat! I REALLY hate the movies today without any sort of ending. I know, I know. It's "fresh" and (again) "atmospheric." NO! It's rude and maybe you just couldn't think of an ending because you are trying so hard to be shown at Cannes Film Festival! (Which it was!) I really wish we could go back to the 90s movies, the Love Actually's the French Kiss', back when movies were actually exceptionally acted with real closure. Because it's getting very old not having endings to movies these days! Depending on which crowd you fall into, you will either love this movie or, like me, find it incredibly dull, poorly acted (a rag doll could have done better), and should have been named "All About Kristen." Although, (can I say it enough?) she was absolutely, one dimensionally awful in this film. Don't waste your time, average people!
