ClassyWas Excellent, smart action film.

Ceticultsot Beautiful, moving film.

ChicDragon It's a mild crowd pleaser for people who are exhausted by blockbusters.

KnotStronger This is a must-see and one of the best documentaries - and films - of this year.

soulexpress In present day New York, immortal Catholic monks from the 14th century, led by one Father Seaton, make human sacrifices to Satan (who resembles a side of beef covered in barbecue sauce with a goat skull on top). A determined (if lisping) nun, Sister Angela, infiltrates the sect, hoping to end their murderous reign. She eventually does so by killing Satan. How does our intrepid nun pull off what no one else has ever been able to do? By cutting him with a shard of broken glass. I kind of thought defeating the Prince of Darkness would take a lot more effort, but I guess not. Too bad Father Merrin from "The Exorcist" didn't know about the broken-glass thing; he might not have died.Other characters include a creepy, sadistic janitor who, um, "recruits" shapely young women into the cult. Then there's Alex, a social worker whose father forced her to do child porn when she was six years old. Also appearing in the film: lots and lots of boobs. If you like boobs, this film has 'em. And I'm not referring to the cast members.The storyline takes big-time leaps in logic. For example, the cult is responsible for several recent killings and disappearances. Investigating them is one Detective Carr. Near the end of the film, it finally occurs to him that each victim had a connection to Alex. This leads the detective to conclude not that he must now consider Alex a suspect, but rather that because it's Winter Solstice and she's a virgin, a Satanic cult is going to sacrifice her at midnight. It's the right conclusion, but how in the hell did he reach it? Talk about sloppy scriptwriting.Item: Father Seaton speaks in a flat baritone and rarely changes facial expressions. I can see why the women find him irresistible.Item: Early in the film, Father Seaton tells a cultist, "Remember, you get extra points if she's a virgin." Never knew Satan had a point system. Maybe it involves a card you get punched when you sacrifice a virgin?Item: Alex has a fiancé, Bill, who she won't let him make love to her. Understandable as she suffers from PTSD from her child-porn days. However, it never occurs to Alex to seek professional help, nor does it occur to Bill that he might not want to marry a woman who is frightened of the sex act.Item: When Alex can't contact a client, she calls Detective Carr, who tells her, "We've put out an APB. She is officially missing." I thought police couldn't declare a person "missing" until 72 hours had gone by?Item: Carr hauls in a young prostitute, who he calls "underage." I didn't realize the age of majority in New York was 35.Item: Carr's gun looks like something an Old West sheriff might have carried. I know the cultists are centuries old, but should a cop's firearm be?Item: When Sister Angela defeats Satan, the cultists all die of rapid aging. But not Father Seaton, who escapes the scene, even though two police detectives are upstairs. The film gives no reason for Seaton's lack of aging. I assume it was done for the possibility of a sequel. Again, sloppy scriptwriting.

Aaron1375 I got this movie in a collection of about twelve movies called "Gorehouse Greats". Funny thing is of the ones I have watched in it have been not all that gory. This one is also not all that gory, there is blood and lots of booby shots, but not a whole lot of gore. This one has a sect of devil worshipers living in modern day New York (at least I think it was New York). They perform sacrifices of blood relatives to Satan to stay nice and young, and they get bonus points if they are female and virgins. Meanwhile, a strange handyman is given a list and the next thing you know he is attacking a woman and her lover who is a rather clumsy kick boxer. Dude seems to knock out the handyman until the handyman teleports behind the dude and stabs him dead, then proceeds to kidnap the blond who offered no help during the scuffle. At this point the only thing worth seeing in the movie was the blond's boobs, and that is the theme of the movie. Boobs to see, not much plot to watch. I mean they show a sacrifice of a supposed virgin at the beginning of the film and it is supposedly the one guy's daughter, but she looked old enough to be the guys sister or something. Then a main gal's mother looks like she could be an older sister. Then a gal gets arrested for street walking and is said to be underage, if so being under 30 in New York must be underage. Then there is the boyfriend who raises objections over a certain priest as he kind of gets fresh with the main girl and it is obvious and the girl keeps going "Don't attack him" and stuff, though if I were the boyfriend I would have dumped the gal when she told me why she was hesitant about having sex as she had a bit to much baggage. I know it sounds kind of mean of me, but females dump men for being insecure and more inane reasons than what she had. If this review seems to be skipping around a bit I am just trying to be like the movie. You also have an undercover nun and two cops that looked like they were straight out of that Beastie Boys video Sabotage. So an all around bad effort, but they give you some boobs to look at and great lines like "Don't you wanna get poked?". I am not joking that line is in the film.

Woodyanders A nasty sect of evil monks led by the sinister Father Thomas Seaton (dreadfully overplayed with shameless eye-rolling hammy brio by William Beckwith) sacrifice virgins every thirteen years in order to appease Lucifer and remain immortal for perpetuity. The sect plans on carving up sweet, but repressed goody-goody two shoes social worker Alexandra Parkman (the singularly woeful Christine Moore) on the altar. Brave nun Sister Angela (a hopelessly dire performance by Mavis Harris) infiltrates the cult so she can put a stop to these foul heathens once and for all. Misdirected with alarming ineptitude by Roberta Findley (who also did the surprisingly passable cinematography), with a hackneyed script by Ed Kelleher and Hariette Vidal (for example, the devil worshipers are your standard bunch of creepy folks in black hoods and robes chanting wicked incantations), a poky pace, a generic ooga-booga shivery and ominous score by Walter E. Sear, clunky dialogue ("He's not breathing; he wouldn't talk to me. My guess is he's dead"), a few clumsily staged fight scenes, a generous sprinkling of tasty gratuitous female nudity, and a last reel appearance by a laughably hokey rubbery puppet Satan, this admittedly lousy, yet still oddly entertaining tripe certainly possesses the right wrong stuff to rate as an amusingly awful clunker. The lame no-name cast all fail to impress with their uniformly atrocious acting, with top thespic dishonors going to Max Jacobs as Alexandra's scheming, diabolical grandfather George Parkman, the ever-foxy Ruth Collins as reformed junkie Cathy, Tim Gail as Alexandra's stolid assistant college professor fiancé Bill King, George Krause as hulking psycho lackey Ben, Amy Brentano as Alexandra's ditsy gal pal Brett, Jeanne Marie as bitter foul-mouthed teenage hooker Judy, and Gary Warner as drippy Detective Dann Carr. Ed French provides some nifty gore and gnarly make-up f/x. A deliciously cruddy Grade Z hoot.

FieCrier I watched this as one of the movies in Rhino's Horrible Horrors Vol. 1 box set. While it wasn't entirely horrible, it was pretty poor.It starts off with some narration (which is absent for the rest of the movie), and a scene of a monk turning Satanist in the 1300s or something like that. Then in the present day, the death of a priest who was secretly a Satanist prompts a nun to go undercover to try to infiltrate the Satanists. She isn't given much to do for most of the movie, though.There's a young woman who had been abused by her father and a group of child pornographers who plans to get married. Apart from the sexual abuse as a child, she's never had sex. Her grandfather is one of the Satanists and plans to use her in a sacrifice. He would like to take over the group.There's also the Satanist's goon, who goes about like a slasher killing some people, abducting others. The cinematography and editing and so on aren't incompetent, but the acting and story are pretty lifeless. Surprisingly, there's no nudity. There's not a whole lot of blood, but there is some, and towards the end some people rapidly age or melt, I'm not sure.