ironhorse_iv
Made way before other pro-wrestlers, like Mick Foley, Bill Goldberg, the Miz and Big Show ever put on the red and white suit; Hulk Hogan was the first wrestler to capitalize on the idea of making a Christmas movie. Written by Jonathan Bond, Fred Mata & Dorrie Krum Raymond, the film tells the story of a self-centered millionaire turn Santa Claus, Blake Thorn (Hulk Hogan) having to save an orphanage from an evil scientist, Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.), who wants to destroy it, in order to gain access to the magical crystals underneath it. Without spoiling the movie too much, the original story wasn't really originally made for Hogan to start. Instead, it was create for infamous con-artist stockbroker, Jordan Belford subject of 2013's film 'The Wolf of Wall Street' who became one of the film's executive producer. However, once Hogan got on board, much of the original story was scrap, in order to appeal to Hulk Hogan's ego. Because of that, we get a lot of pointless moments, in which the audience is treated with unrealistic scenes in which, Hogan shows off his strength. While, Hogan still looks impression in some of the action scenes; it really clear that the 24-Inch Pythons weren't as big as they used to. All those years, taking bumps and steroids has really took its toll on the man's health and body. He looks so different, when compare to what he look during his 1980s 'Hulkamania' days. Still, he was not as eerie as today's Hulk Hogan. Yet, I have to say, Hulk Hogan wasn't as bad, in the action role, as he could had. Most of the action scenes fell flat, because how fake the visual effects explosions look, how ludicrous the car chases were shot, or how badly stage, the fight scenes were. If anything, he really try to make the film, seem entertaining, even if his singing with child actress, Aria Noelle Curzon seem kinda bad. Also, while Hogan might not be the best comedian in the world, more or less, some of his facial expressions and physical slapstick throughout the film, did make me, laugh. Because of this, I don't think, this movie deserve to be in the currently list on IMDb's bottom 100 movies ever. Not all the jokes fell flat. It's just has enough 'so bad, it's kinda good' vibe, to make me, not hate the movie as much as others. Yet, there were a lot of things that did anger me, about this film. For starters, I didn't like the use of the old film 'Identify Amnesia' clichés. It's really hard to believe that Blake couldn't remember, anything about his previous life at all. Also, the amnesia angle kinda lessen the impact of his morality character arch, as well. Even the second smacking of his head felt a bit forced. Another thing, that bother me, was the idea that "the richest man in ten states", goes unrecognized by virtually everyone for so long into the film. Even the police doesn't know, who Blake is. If they did, they would had arrest him, along with the other criminals toward the end, for reckless driving, shooting at an officer, and the endangerment of the life of others. Instead, nearly everybody believes he is the real Santa Claus, despite acting and looking nothing like the fictional holiday character. It really made the supporting characters in the film, look really stupid. Despite that, I did like, seeing familiar supporting actors like Don Stark, Garrett Morris, and Ed Begley Jr. in the roles, they were given. Even, Mila Kunis in her film debut was not that bad to watch. However, I couldn't get, behind how unrealistic, the henchmen villains, were. It was very weird to see over-the-top cartoony people harassing an orphanage of three children with T-squares and Styrofoam candy canes. It's also odd that the orphanage never bother, calling the cops before Blake came to the rescue. Added to that bizarreness was the scene where the scoundrels use phone-calls recording to trick Blake. How did they know to do that, anyways!? The movie has way, too many hackney plot-holes that is hard to ignore. It really doesn't make any sense. All these loose-ends and over the top dramatic, made the film felt more like a cheesy 'superhero' movie than anything else. As for the quality of the film footage. It really does look like it aged badly. Even with the most modern DVD, the footage still looks washed out with a lot of aliasing and shimmering. It had such shoddy detail. The old VHS tape are even worst with its tracking issues. Overall: While, it might be good to say your prayers, and eat your vitamins. I can't say, the same about watching this movie. While, die-hard Hulkamaniacs might like this movie. For me, it was just mediocre. Not the worst movie, I saw. Nor the best.
Benjamin Cox
At the start of this month, I was wondering what exactly made a Christmas movie - thoughts prompted by finally watching the iconic "It's A Wonderful Life". My conclusion, such as it was, was that it was the film's message that mattered and not fake snow and Father Christmas saving the day. So what then are we to make of a movie such as this which turns a fundamentally unlikeable twit into the most idiotic hero I've ever seen in any film. If IMDb is correct then this should be the worst movie I've ever seen, judging by its long stay in the notorious Bottom 100. It certainly makes a strong case as it's too stupid for any family to enjoy, devoid of any real charm and practically insults the viewer from the opening reel with cheap effects, pitiful performances throughout and a plot that even the screenwriter would deny any knowledge of.The plot, such as it is, revolves around self-centred multi-millionaire Blake Thorn (Hulk Hogan) who somehow amassed himself a fortune flogging various fitness products despite having few redeeming qualities and no apparent intelligence - he spends his free time beating up the small number of staff at his mansion and irking the police with Hummer-based paint-ball battles in the streets. After one such incident, Blake hides in the local mall from the police by disguising himself as a department store Santa. But after a convoluted series of events, he takes a blow to the head which causes amnesia severe enough to erase any memory of who he is. Persuaded by dodgy mall elf Lenny (Don Stark) that he is the real Santa, Blake decides to intervene on behalf of a struggling orphanage facing closure at the hands of resident baddie Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr) and his gang of goons."Santa With Muscles" really is as dumb as its title, offering nothing in the way of entertainment, stimulation or anything beneficial to mankind in any way. From the opening title screen to the final shot, everything looks as though it was made as cheaply as possible and then budgeted even further. Hogan, who is actually quite a charismatic performer in the ring, is devoid of any charm whatsoever and goes through the motions like a South African sign language interpreter - looking good in theory but sorely lacking in practise. The rest of the cast are equally bad - Begley Jr is hardly a leading light in A-list cinema and judging by his performance here, its easy to see why. Meanwhile, even a pre-teen Mila Kunis fails to distract any attention from how truly dreadful the production is. If I was being charitable (and 'tis the season, as they say), I could say that they did the best job they could with the material and with the inept direction from John Murlowski whose other credits include "Cop Dog" and "Zombie Hamlet". Nope, me neither.It really is one of those films where you wonder how it ever got from the page to the screen without someone somewhere raising the alarm. It even fails to provide anything about the message of Christmas, unless you include the exploitation of fairly serious head injuries for personal gain. Frankly, "Santa With Muscles" isn't just a slap in the face for Christmas movies or even so-called "family" movies - it's a straight-up insult to the movie-making industry as a whole. Here is a small group of writers, producers and actors who think that such mindless drivel counts as entertainment simply because your kids will be watching with you. If you want a family movie that won't end in a fight then may I suggest almost anything by Pixar - "WALL·E" is a monumentally brilliant picture which amuses and educates in equal measure. If you want a Christmas picture then stick with "It's A Wonderful Life" or even "A Muppet's Christmas Carol" if the kids are with you. And if you want to make sure that your family stay away from you this Christmas or at any other time of year then "Santa With Muscles" will do the trick. My only comfort I take from this experience is that there can't be much worse out there, at least if IMDb is correct.
