Dartherer I really don't get the hype.

Pluskylang Great Film overall

Tacticalin An absolute waste of money

filippaberry84 I think this is a new genre that they're all sort of working their way through it and haven't got all the kinks worked out yet but it's a genre that works for me.

lost-in-limbo Watch as actor James Hong (who also co-wrote and co-direct) puts on a show! He steals every frame he's in, but this is because the competition is few and far between. When he isn't obsessively going off his rocker and having his face morph about, you're probably transfixed by the presence (not the acting) of playmate bunny Karen Witter. Hong's depraved character definitely is, but the scenes they mostly share are less than interesting other than the daft climatic showdown. Outside of Hong and Karl Heinz-Tuber, the majority of the performances are one-note and vacant. Dr. Elson Po is a world renowned wine grower, but he also has a dark secret with an obsession for the forbidden secrets of immortality. To stop the rapid aging process, Po feeds on the life-force of the young aspiring actresses he invites to his island. "The Vinyard" is low-rent and quite sloppy, despite the amusing unhinged mad doctor / black magic hokum. It has its moments with some ghoulish jolts, sleazy encounters and nasty monster make-up FX (zombies join the party), but it can be patchy and lackadaisical in scenes. Moments can be quite talky (numerous boring exchanges) with the silly script throwing about strange ideas, spiritual themes and linking it with Chinese mythology. At times it can be atmospheric, but its villa and vineyard setting on a secluded island is never taken full advantage of. Even throw in a dungeon with chains. "You're in a lot of danger here."

Sandy Petersen In the first 5 minutes of this film, we go through about five different genres of movie, including romance, revenge, zombie, mad science, and kung fu action. And the pace doesn't really slow down.Evil Dr. Po has been magically keeping himself alive by drinking the blood of young people, and he's James Hong to boot! Apparently Mr. Hong helped fund the picture, and that might explain why he gets to fondle and maul all of the nubile young actresses on the set. Good for him I guess.He has a staff of serial-killer kung-fu warriors (my favorite one is Black Ponytail Guy), and he's invited a bunch of useless trust fund babies to his isolated vineyard in order to drink their blood. I mean, presumably there is some ostensible reason they come, but I've seen this movie about 5 times and I have not yet figured it out.They have a party, and then start disappearing. There are loads of gratuitous scenes. Like, if Mr. Po wants to drink their blood, why does he curse one girl with the Spitting Up Spiders candy? And why does he keep his mummified-yet-alive mom in a spare room with no lock on the door? And why does he keep zombies buried in his vineyard? There seems no upside to that last one. And why does the zombie head which one girl sees vanish when she runs for help? And there's more.It's like 10 movies in one. Whatever your tastes, The Vineyard can fulfill them. I do admit that it is a little slow while we're getting used to our ostensible heroes (the trust fund babies), and I have never been less interested in a hero's backstory than I was in these losers. Dr. Po more than makes up for it, cackling like a maniac, commanding his warriors into murderous deeds, and pleading verbosely to his Mayan god (yes I know) for long life.What a film. Not to be missed.

Woodyanders Famous wealthy winemaker and film producer Dr. Elson Po (a deliciously hammy James Hong) has discovered a special potion and magic amulet which enables him to stay youthful and live forever. He invites seven attractive young folks to his remote island winery so he can feed on their lifeforce. Po chooses lovely aspiring actress Jezebel Fairchild (the ravishingly gorgeous Karen Witter, Playboy's March 1982 Playmate of the Month) to be his bride. Clumsily directed with a startling lack of competence by Hong and William Rice, with an incredibly dumb and trashy script by Hong, Douglas Kondo and James Marlowe which blends exotic black arts mumbo jumbo and hoary mad scientist clichés into a spectacularly ungodly brew, this entertainingly awful atrocity possesses all the right crummy stuff to qualify as a great deal of infectiously schlocky fun: we've got some tasty gratuitous nudity, a smidgen of soft-core sex, dreadful dialogue ("Castrate him!," commands Po to one of his flunkies who's caught a man who had an adulterous fling with Po's unfaithful wife), terrible acting, plenty of hot babes (Cheryl Lawson in particular is a total fox!), a plodding pace, cheesy, rubbery make-up f/x, tacky gore (a juicy decapitation and a scene with Lawson throwing up spiders are the definite gross-out highlights), badly dated thumping 80's rock songs, a bunch of groaning, lurching, rot-faced zombies, ineptly staged fight scenes, and a gloriously ludicrous conclusion. Karl Heinz-Tuber delivers a marvelously smarmy performance as a slimy effeminate talent agent. Both John Dirlam's crisp cinematography and Paul Francis Witt's shivery score are up to speed. An unjustly overlooked high camp riot.

Zantara Xenophobe This contains minor SPOILERS, so don't read it if you plan to see this.I read an article in the TV Guide a few years ago where the magazine had talked to actor James Hong. In the tiny article (it filled about an 8th of the page), Hong mentioned that he didn't feel Hollywood offered him very good roles, but instead he typically got similar, stereotypical Japanese roles. When I read it, I nodded my head and said, `Yeah, he's right.' Now I really like James Hong, and I wish his career the best of luck, but if Hollywood stereotypes will keep movies like `The Vineyard' from being made, then I hope Hong is typecast forever. In 1989, Hong made this weird horror movie. Hong came up with the story himself, was a screenplay writer, and donned the director's hat! And what do you get in the first scene?---Hong having a sex scene! Maybe Hong just felt that Hollywood typecasts for old Japanese men don't include naked women, and he wanted to make a statement about that?Hong is a wine maker that lives on an island with his henchmen. Hong is centuries-old, using an amulet to stay young and needing the blood of young women every once in awhile. So he lures people to his island and kills them. This time, he gets a whole group of youngsters at his home for a really lame party. He uses magic to either kill or capture them, and decides he wants to marry one of the women. It's up to bookworm Jeremy to save the day. But he sure doesn't save the film.But wait! That isn't much of a horror movie! Well, that's because I haven't yet mentioned all the stuff in it that made absolutely no sense. Where to start, where to start? We can break out in song along the way…1. My Lucky Star: Let's see…we've got pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, purple horseshoes…what are we missing in 'me Lucky Charms? Of course! Brown amulets! Hong has an interesting flashback about when he was a child. We learn that he killed his father to save his mother, but refuses to give her the magic amulet. Then we find out that his mother is a GODDESS! You heard me right. I guess that is trying to explain the origins of the amulet, but it only rouses up more questions that are never answered. It would have been better if the amulet had no origin. But hold on, that would ruin #2…2. Witchy Woman: See, Hong's goddess mother is still alive and kicking. The amulet made her young (much younger than it makes Hong) and without it she turned into a withered old woman. Hong keeps her locked up in a room in his mansion. It is not clear why he does that, since the two never have a scene together. But come on! Are we really to believe Hong keeps his mother with him as he moves from identity to identity each century? He hasn't been suckling for all these years, has he?3. It's Raining Men: Who are all these bodyguards protecting the estate? They must be working for money, but would any price be high enough to live on the desolate island where you were expected to kill people?4. Let's Dance: Next we turn to our saplings. Not trees, but the saps that come to the island. They are brought by some old guy with a bad accent who is quickly disposed of by the guards. Why did they come? Some of them are wannabe actors and actresses that have some kind of audition. None of them are very interesting. Still, the scene where they are introduced is sort of funny (one of the would-be actors only has a high school diploma to brag about), and I thought Hong's direction would be good. I would soon be let down. They have a party that night, and it is a really sour one with bad direction. Then there is Jeremy. He wrote a magazine article on Hong. Jeremy figures out what is going on quickly, based on some shoddy evidence he finds in books Hong has lying around. When Jeremy starts babbling about this, you would think Hong would kill him, but he constantly stops himself. 5. That Old Magic Feeling: To kill or detain the victims, Hong sends his guards, uses magic, or both. What he does strongly resembles voodoo. Where did he learn this? How does it work? Why does he use it on some people and not others? Why doesn't he use it in the end to snub the remaining people that are causing trouble?6. Now I'm Feeling Zombified: Now the real bad stuff. The women are taken to the dungeon to have blood extracted so Hong can stay young. He uses up so many people a day that you wonder how he can stay in one place for more than a week before people get suspicious. But why women's blood? The men are all killed and buried in the vineyard. The movie box says they fertilize the vineyard! They way they are buried made me think it would be like `Motel Hell.' But no, these bodies constantly rise from their graves, and the only way they can be stopped is if the guards douse them with `holy dirt.' I thought `Holy...' when I saw this part, but the word `dirt' did not follow it. The zombie make up isn't bad, but the whole thing made me fear I had accidentally rented `The Video Dead Part 2.'7. They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-ha!: When the last two bafflingly bad scenes were over, that is the line I was saying to myself repeatedly, because no one sane could possibly sit through the entire movie. I did, so expect my next review to come from the local asylum. Zantara's score: 2 out of 10.