Milo-Jeeder
I can only assume that Linda Blair, David Hasselhoff and Hildegard Knef were not exactly at the peak of their careers when they agreed to act in a b-class Italian horror production with a cast of virtually unknown actors. When I think about great actors, David Hasselhoff doesn't really come to my mind, but delirious as it may sound, the Hoff actually does a decent job here and manages to stand out which, I guess, says a lot about the rest of the cast. David gives us a very likeable lead that seems to genuinely care about the rest of the characters and goes out of his way to save the day. As for Linda, her acting is decent and it is nice to see a horror icon. The enjoyment of seeing Blair in this flick mostly comes from the campiness of her character towards the last minutes, but the truth is that she is not really our lead. The final girl is portrayed by the unknown actress, Leslie Cumming, who wins the award for one of the most unexcited-looking characters in a horror flick. Seriously, I don't expect superb acting in a b-class horror flick, but this girl takes things to the next level, by lacking any kind of emotion and speaking in a monotonous tone of voice throughout the entire film.In "Witchery" the story goes something like this: A young woman named Leslie travels to a remote island to do some research for a book that she is writing, which is about the occult. Leslie's boyfriend, named Gary, travels with her to take some photos for the book, since Leslie wants to provide photographic evidence about the existence of witches and, according to some local folklore, there is a strange phenomena that occurs in the island, known as "the witch's light". Though Gary is a genuinely nice guy and he wants to help his girlfriend with her book, he also sees this trip as a perfect opportunity to finally get some action with his girlfriend (don't get your hopes up, Gary!) Though Leslie appears to be in her mid twenties, she is a virgin and very proud of it, since she believes that virginity equals knowledge or something like that. During their trip to the island, Leslie and Gary decide to stay at an abandoned hotel, which they are not supposed to do, since it's private property (unbeknownst to Gary, who was under the impression that they actually had a permit, as this is what Leslie informed him)On the other hand, we have a very heterogeneous group of people that also travel to the hotel where Leslie and Gary are staying. We have the Brooks family composed by a greedy matriarch named Rose, her creepy husband, Freddie, and their two children, Jane (Linda Blair) and Tommy. It should be mentioned that the mom and dad appear to be in their late fifties and the youngest son, Tommy, appears to be less than ten years old... unusual, but not impossible. Oh, also, Jane is pregnant, though the baby's father is not once mentioned during the entire film. Jane really loves her younger brother Tommy and cares for him at all times, while Rose, the mother, appears to be somewhat of a bitch towards her son and the rest of family... and towards everyone else, for that matter (but don't worry, folks, she'll suffer horribly). Why the hell are the Brooks going to the island? Because Rose wants to buy the old decaying hotel and turn it into a private club to make tons of money out of it. Joining the family, we have Linda Sullivan, a young, sex-crazed architect hired by Mrs. Brooks to assist them with the renovations and lastly, we have Tony Giordano, a goofy-looking real estate agent who is trying to convince Mrs. Brooks that buying the old hotel is the deal of the century.When the Brooks arrive to the hotel with the architect and the real estate agent, they don't hide their dismay when they find the young couple of squatters staying there. However, Gary manages to ease up the tension by explaining that they didn't mean to cause any harm and offers everyone some coffee. Believe it or not, this does the trick and everyone manages to get along with each other just fine... well, everyone except for Rose (did I already mention that she's a bitch?)Unknown to everyone staying at the hotel, the place is also inhabited by an old witch (played by German actress and singer, Hildegard Knef), who wears tons of make up and apparently smokes two packs of cigarettes a day, judging by the sound of her voice. This unnamed witch used her powers to cause certain events that brought all these people to the hotel at the same time. Besides using her powers to lure all these strangers into the hotel, the witch also kills the guy who drove everyone to the island by boat, preventing them from leaving, so in the end, it's no coincidence that these strangers find themselves living under the same roof. Now, what does the witch want? Eh... it's a bit confusing, but at some point it is revealed by one of the characters that, several years ago, the old witch was a actually a beautiful actress who starred in several films and was unable to cope with the idea of aging, so she retired from acting, because she didn't want to be seen anymore. From what I could understand in this convoluted mess, the witch needs to sacrifice certain type of people to complete a ritual that will allow her to be reborn through Jane's baby... or something.In lieu of a completely coherent story, "Witchery" provides a truckload of entertainment and features some gruesome and nicely done death scenes. Remember earlier when I said that Rose was a major bitch and that she was going to suffer a great deal? Well, this is what happens to her: at some point, Rose begins to rant and verbally abuse everyone, including her little son. In order to prevent things from escalating, her husband advises her to take a nap (though he is a bit creepy, I gotta give him credit for handling the situation with class). Rose agrees to lie down for a while, but before she gets to bed, she is sent to another dimension that takes place inside the house (we'll get to that later) and when she travels to this place, she is greeted by the witch's minions, a couple of demented centenarians, who sew her lips together, preventing her from being able to speak again (thanks, you guys!). As if this wasn't punishment enough, Rose is later jammed inside the chimney and...what do you know? Since the air is a little bit chilly, the colorful group of characters decide to gather around the chimney and light a fire, ignoring the fact that Rose is stuck in there, slowly burning to death, while everyone enjoys the heat (in a slightly humorous moment, Rose's husband comments that the pieces of wood that they used to light the fire smell "funny")Besides Rose's death scene, "Witchery" features some other scenes and moments that deserve an honorable mention... well, at least a regular mention. As I briefly mentioned before, some of the characters are randomly sent to another dimension, through a weird reddish vortex. We don't get an explanation about this realm, but we do get to see that the witch (also known as "the lady in black") seems to be the ruler of this place, filled with her weird servants. Are we supposed to simply assume that this realm is some kind of in-between territory between Hell and Earth? I'm not so sure, but I do know that, while the scenes that take place in this odd parallel universe are somewhat creepy, they could have made an effort to make it look less like some kind of barnyard from hell. Oh, and also, the witch's minions are weird as hell, they laugh maniacally all the time, they taunt their victims and they carry a doll (don't expect an explanation).Finally, our beloved Linda Blair finds herself playing a possessed girl again, but this time, her portrayal and the reasons behind it are rather cheesy, unlike the genuinely scary scenes from "The Exorcist". In this case, Jane is possessed by the witch and when she talks, she mimics the words, while we actually hear Hildegard Knef's voice. Also, for some reason, while being possessed, Linda's hairstyle changes and it looks like she had just auditioned for a heavy metal music video or something. Not sure why a witch possessing another person's body would actually take the time to change her hairstyle, but I've never found myself in this situation, so maybe it's more common than I think. At this point, Jane/the witch confronts the remaining characters that managed to survive this deadly mess and delivers a brief monologue, in which she reveals herself as the witch and explains the reasons behind her actions, before attempting to kill the sole survivors. However, our beloved hero, Gary, grabs a voice recorder in which Tommy, Jane's little brother, recorded himself repeatedly saying "I love you, Jane". This seems to do the trick, since Jane stops being possessed for, like, fifteen seconds, but in order to prevent the evil from taking over herself again, she jumps off the window and dies. Unfortunately, this clearly doesn't give us a happy ending: first of all, Jane, a nice gal, had to sacrifice her life and then, Gary, our beloved hero, dies. The sole survivors end up being only Tommy and the insultingly dull Leslie, who was, at some point, sent to the parallel dimension and raped by a skinny guy with sewn lips, just like Rose. In the end, we see Leslie lying in a hospital bed, where she is informed by a nurse that Tommy is fine and that she doesn't have to worry because her baby is fine, which prompts Leslie to look at the camera and say "My baby?!" with an odd expression of horror. Priceless!I highly recommend this flick to anyone who wants pure entertainment, gruesome deaths, a decent amount of ridiculousness that doesn't necessarily turn the movie into a comedy, some genuinely creepy moments and a plot that fails to provide enough logic.
ksf-2
At least there are some big names in this campy horror film to keep us occupied. Double billed on a new blue ray with "Ghost House", Witchery has David Hasselhoff (post Knight Rider, but before Baywatch) and Linda Blair (waaaaaaay after Exorcist). Another Italian horror film, filmed in Massachusetts, this one is directed by Fabrizio Laurenti. Like the Lenzi horror films, this one is so campy, so bad, that its kind of fun to watch. And who IS that Lady in Black? She and her magic gemstone pop up now and then, adding to the mystery. A real estate agent tries to sell a house on a private island, but Gary (Hasselhoff) and his assistant entered the house (without permission) to take photos. Jane (L. Blair) has her own secrets, as you will see. More cheesy special effects, and of course, the usual blood and gore. I'm surprised that Linda Blair still wanted to do films like this, since she was so well known for The Exorcist. It's pretty creepy. And as of today, only 3 out of 10 stars on IMDb.The "story" starts out pretty solid, unlike most oldie horror films. The acting and directing are a bit lame, but everyone does a pretty good job with the lines they are given. For a lot of of the cast, this is the only film they ever made. About two thirds of the way through, the plot gets weird and goes down these left turns. Lots of screaming, organ music, and smoke. Similar plot to Ten Little Indians, where the guests get knocked off, one by one. Interesting, if just for the historical value.
Bezenby
This film starts as it means to go on: a bunch of pilgrim types, armed with pitchforks, chase a pregnant woman through a modern house (with light-switches) until she jumps out of window. We are truly in the realm of Italian madness.David Hasselhoff plays Gary, boyfriend of the mumbling Leslie, who won't let him into her pants. Won't even give him tops and fingers. Gary and Leslie are currently squatting in an abandoned hotel researching either a witch or witch lights or the gates to hell or something to do with a German book. It's kind of hard to tell, as Leslie explains most of this and to be frank she can't act or even speak very well. I think she was the one doing the research and Gary was the one trying to get into bed with her, but nevertheless they are in trouble for two reasons. One: there's the world's most tired looking woman hiding in the attic somewhere, being creepy and Two: the new owners of the hotel are heading there for a visit with their children (pregnant Linda Blair and proper kid Tommy), an estate agent, and a nympho lawyer.The old woman has already been appearing to this family for some reason and about five minutes after the family land on the island she wastes the guy who took them over in the boat. So it looks like they're stranded.What follows is your usual late eighties Italian set-up (like Ghosthouse, House of Lost Souls, House of Clocks etc) where a bunch of victims try not to be killed by supernatural forces. As I said it's kind of difficult to get a handle on what's truly going on, but it seems that the old woman (who may or may not be a ghost or a witch) wants to open the gates of hell by killing folks who have sinned in certain ways. She does this mainly by sucking them through into another dimension and wasting them graphically.Where House of Lost Souls was content to decapitate children with washing machines, Witchcraft opts for daft visual effects and surreal, nasty deaths. One victim gets her lips sewn shut, jammed down a chimney, and set on fire. Another gets impaled on a swordfish, and in the best scene, Bob Champagne's jugular explodes in David Hasselhoff's face. It takes a while to get to the good stuff in this film, but the gore has an nice nasty edge to it.Gore aside, the Italian daftness quotient is as high as ever. We don't have dubbing, but we do have Hasselhoff telling a fully clothed woman to get dressed, a whole lot of bizarre visual trickery (like the witch-lights), and the world's most terrified looking child actor.A lot has been made about how bad this kid is, but to be honest with you he just looks like he's scared of everyone in the film and would rather be anywhere else at all. I'd be scared too if I had to act with a woman who looked like she's been drinking three bottles of vodka a day for at least a decade.And another thing: never turn your back on Linda Blair. As usual, she goes all possessed near the end of the film in a scene that is pure comedy (unintended of course). To cement it's place as one of the most enjoyable films an industry in decline released as the decade drew to a close, we have our twist ending which is so abrupt and stupid you just have to applaud.Witchcraft has the lot: gore, madness, incoherence, and even a couple of scenes that are genuinely creepy (the Satan rape bit). As it seems to be unfairly trampled on by all and sundry, it turns up cheap on Amazon. For the two or three people actually interested in what Italian films were like after the golden age had passed, I'd buy Ghosthouse. Then this one.
